Family Feud: Oval Office Redemption Round
Welcome to Family Feud: Chief Executive Edition, where the contestants aren’t merely families—they’re dynasties. Last Sunday’s evening game featured the Bidens squaring off against their eternal rivals, the Grand Old Party. The stakes, if they’re unworthy of Justice (much less of Qualified Immunity), may be worth at least the last frayed nerves of the American public. Ready or not, let’s play!
The prompt: “Name something a President would sacrifice to protect their legacy.”
Joe wakes and slams the buzzer, affirming, “Everything.” Survey says…?
Round One: Scandal in the Room
As the buzzer sounds in what feels like overtime, Joe Biden delivered what might be his ultimate wildcard—a Sonny Boy Sweetheart Pardon that covers (i.e. erases) over a decade of “potential” sins. Day 1 of 2014, the effective start date and the year the U.S. government started playing geopolitical Jenga in Ukraine, is coincidentally when Hunter began stacking his blocks of influence.
With one hand in Burisma’s till and the other dabbling in viral research through Metabiota, he and/or his closest associates “might” have made a killing, for all we will ever know.
The choice of 2014 as the starting line is like a game-show cheat code: a big glowing arrow pointing to when the family’s Ukrainian adventures really took off. Think of it as a DVR rewind button for investigators. “Oh, you want to know where to look? Here’s the timestamp.”
For years, Republicans have buzzed in with variations of the same answer: “Hunter Biden’s laptop!” They’re now giddy as Steve Harvey when a contestant blurts out something absurd. This time, they’re slobbering like Richard Dawson over a midwit daughter-in-law hoping land one on the scoreboard. The laptop, previously dismissed as a conspiracy theory, almost “resurfaced”.
If the DOGE jockeys have their way, the records will be memory-holed in the name of efficiency for another half-century or more.
Double Jeopardy: The Treaty Trap
Joe is betting the farm on this one, and swinging for the fences. The Constitution gives the President sweeping pardon power, but treaties like the Biological Weapons Convention are considered the supreme law of the land. Violating it comes with a specific penalty.
So, can a president pardon a violation of a treaty?
That’s a question for the Supreme Court, assuming they don’t start laughing (or nodding off) halfway through the opening arguments. Imagine the Chief Justice leaning into his microphone: “So, let me get this straight. You want us to decide if a pardon can erase international war crimes?”
Cue a collective nervous grin from Joe’s legal defense as the camera cuts to the successor, lounging in the audience with a bucket of popcorn, nodding sagely.
The Opponent’s Podium
Meanwhile, at the GOP’s podium, the buzzer is getting more action than a casino slot machine. Every time Hunter’s name comes up, Republican laser-eyes light up with easy answers like “two-tiered justice system!”
And then there’s Orange Julius himself, normally the main character in this type of melodrama. Unironically, he already floated the idea of pardoning Hunter himself, calling it “what a great father would do.” It’s a signature move for him, to turn a rival’s act of loyalty into an opportunity to make himself look magnanimous.
What could be more on-brand than making someone else’s scandal your own campaign ad, free of charge?
Final Round: The Kyiv Connection
Now comes the category so loaded, it might as well be titled, “Reasons Hunter’s Pardon Isn’t About Hunter.”
The buzzer hits, and answers like “Burisma,” “Bioweapons labs,” and “10% for the Big Guy” light up the board like a Christmas tree. Burisma wasn’t just a paycheck for Hunter; it was a liability with a direct line to his father’s vice-presidential office.
The bioweapons narrative is a geopolitical hand-grenade waiting to make a mess. And Joe’s role? Let’s just say his claim of never discussing business with his son plays like a contestant refusing to admit their buzzer doesn’t work. Unlike before, when Joe proudly announced that, “America is a country that can be summed up in a single word …“, the audience isn’t laughing anymore.
With $ Billions in U.S. aid flowing into Ukraine and cries of corruption growing louder, the pardon is the equivalent of Joe flipping the game board over and declaring himself the winner. But audacity is the name of the game for those who live above the law, where the rules are suggestions and the consequences are optional.
Congress, of course, will milk this scandal for every drop of political theater it can. Subpoenas will fly, hearings will drag on, and laughing news anchors will feast like hyenas. But the real stakes are far more existential. This is not a question of Hunter Biden dodging accountability, but a reflection of a deeper, darker truth.
Survey Says: Americans on Edge
In this round of Family Feud, the scoreboard isn’t just tilted—it’s in another dimension altogether. For those watching from the cheap seats, the game is not as entertaining as it is infuriating. Whatever the survey says, everybody already knows who will win and who will lose. What they’re less than ready to admit is that no matter which end of the political spectrum you might favor, there is only one forbidden word …
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